Every time you blink, there’s a new poll telling us who might win the 2024 presidential election. One day, it’s Kamala Harris basking in the glow of potential victory, and the next, Donald Trump is back on top like a boomerang that just won’t quit. Can the pollsters please coordinate their stories before the rest of us go completely insane?!
It’s like watching a tennis match where the ball keeps flying from Harris to Trump and back again, and we’re all left wondering if anyone actually knows what’s going on. Spoiler alert: the answer is an astounding: NO.
Even after all is said and done and we figure out who was the closest to the truth with their polling – it’s all just going to end up being dumb luck – not any kind of scientific determination that the pollster can repeat in the future during the next election.
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With most Americans suffering poll fatigue, and with polls multiplying faster than a rabbit on Red Bull, I’ve come up with better ways to figure out who will become the next president of the United States:
Magic 8 Ball.
If you’re old like me, you will remember the ol’ tried and true Magic 8 Ball that you let make major life decisions for you when you were a teenager – like who you would go to the school dance with or what outfit you would wear. Sometimes, the black orb gave you a decisive “Yes” or “It is certain.” Other times it had to think about your question and answered with a “most likely” or a guess of “signs point to yes” or “reply hazy, try again.”
Beer pong battle royale.
Forget looking through polling data…let’s settle this over a beer pong match. Pick a friend and the two of you can represent the presidential candidates. “Harris” and “Trump” can go head-to-head, tossing ping pong balls into red solo cups. Whoever lands the most shots gets the keys to the White House. Bonus points if you trash-talk each other while aiming at the beer. Or better yet, instead of beer, pour some of Trump’s favorite into the cups: Diet Coke.
Fluffy gets to choose.
Place some treats or cat friendly cookies on a plate, and label them with a candidate’s name Let your kitty choose who becomes the next president. Whichever treat gets eaten first determines the winner. Let’s face it, if cats ruled the world, they’d probably do a better job anyway.
Rock-paper-scissors showdown.
Why should candidates waste millions on campaigns and internal polling data when a few rounds of rock-paper-scissors could do the trick? It’s quick, it’s simple, and it’s impossible to rig. May the best hand gestures win.
Pin the blame on the donkey (or elephant).
Blindfold both of your candidate representatives and spin them around like it’s a political piñata party. Whoever can pin the blame on their opponent’s mascot the fastest gets to claim victory. It’s symbolic, it’s entertaining, and probably more honest than some of Kamala’s campaign ads.
Flip a coin.
This one’s a no-brainer and doesn’t take much thought, time, or cash. Just grab a coin – assuming the Harris-Biden economy hasn’t already vacuumed up your spare change. Assign heads and tails, then give it a flip. If you don’t like the result, go best 2 out of 3. Or maybe 4 out of 5. You get the idea. Just rig the game like some of the pollsters do – then when you finally “win,” proudly pat yourself on the back for nailing the prediction.
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