In a medical report that reads more like a fast-food menu than a health assessment, President Donald Trump’s latest physical has declared him in “excellent health,” crediting his unique regimen of McDonald’s cuisine, golf cart marathons, and what he describes on Truth Social as “THE BEST SLEEP, MAYBE EVER.” How much sleep? According to his social media posts, about three to five hours a night.

Despite a diet that would make a nutritionist weep, Trump has reportedly shed 20 pounds since his last check-up. The secret? “I just eat the burgers without the buns,” Trump explained, while sipping a Diet Coke. “It’s the bread that makes you fat, everybody knows that. Too many carbs.”

Trump’s physician, Dr. MAGA Feelgood noted the president’s “frequent victories in golf events” as evidence of his robust health and mental acuity. On weekends, “He walks from the cart to the green, sometimes even twice a day,” Feelgood stated. “That’s more exercise than most Americans get.”

When asked about his sleep habits, Trump boasted, “I sleep better than anyone. At least five hours, no interruptions, except for the occasional 3 a.m. post on Truth Social. But those are restful posts.” He added, “Sleep is for the weak, but I do it strongly.”

Trump also proudly announced he scored a perfect 30 out of 30 on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment. “They asked me to remember five words. I said, ‘Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV.’ Nailed it. Again.”

While the report didn’t delve into specifics about Trump’s hydration habits, insiders claim the president maintains a strict routine. “He drinks exactly one Diet Coke every hour,” a staffer revealed. “It’s all about balance.”

Despite a lifestyle that defies conventional health wisdom, President Trump continues to confound experts. As Orange Man Bad (i.e. “Hitler”) put it, “I’m the healthiest president, maybe in history. Some people are saying that. Tremendous health. Just tremendous. The likes of which nobody has ever seen before.”