America’s long national nightmare of dealing with disintegrating paper straws is finally headed in the right direction. President Donald Trump has signed an executive order banning the federal procurement and forced use of the limp, dissolving nonsense that liberals tried to pass off as progress.

With the stroke of a pen, Trump has ended what he calls the “irrational campaign against plastic straws,” a campaign that has forced law-abiding Americans to either drink their beverages at warp speed or deal with a mushy, spit-soaked disaster halfway through.

Trump’s order mandates that federal agencies stop purchasing these overpriced abominations and instead return to the glorious era of functional, reliable plastic straws.

Paper straws, which can often come wrapped in plastic (oh, the irony!), have been marketed as an environmental savior. But in reality, they cost more to produce, fall apart mid-slurp, and leave an aftertaste of soggy regret. Even worse, they force people to grab multiple straws just to finish one drink – so much for saving the planet!

Under this executive order, agencies will not only stop wasting taxpayer dollars on paper straws, but they’ll also be directed to dismantle any rules discouraging plastic ones. And for the states and businesses that still insist on making people suffer through this nonsense? Well, let’s just say, contracts and funding might be in for a little review.

Democrats did their best to run (and ruin) your life when they were in charge of the federal government. They wanted to take away your gas stoves, your light bulbs, and your ability to enjoy a simple drink without feeling like you’re sipping through a wet newspaper. But thanks to Trump, America is back to drinking like winners again. Let’s hope the private sector catches on.