As Donald Trump’s triumphant return to the White House gets closer and closer, a curious phenomenon has emerged: Democrats in key government positions are racing for the exits faster than you can say “witch hunt.” Turns out, “self-deportation” isn’t just a conservative immigration policy – it’s the new favorite pastime of the Beltway elite according to a report from “Just the News.”

Packing Up the Participation Trophies

In what can only be described as a mass preemptive departure, bureaucrats and appointees from blue-tinted corners of the federal government are fleeing their posts. The fear? That Trump will kick off his second term with a fiery vengeance, siccing Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy and DOGE on them, shaking down agencies for any sign of deep-state shenanigans.

They’d rather write their memoirs from cozy think tanks than stick around for what could be Washington’s most dramatic season of “drain the swamp” yet. And good riddance to them – including the partisan and incompetent FBI director Christopher Wray, FAA Chief Michael Whitaker, SEC Chairman Gary Gensler and others.

Dreading a Trump-Led ‘Audit Fest’

Some insiders suggest the exodus stems from anxiety over accountability. From the FBI’s recent blunders to the CDC’s pandemic-era gaffes, the list of questionable and corrupt agency moves is longer than a Walgreens receipt. If Trump makes good on his promises to bring transparency, these soon-to-be-former officials don’t want to be in the crosshairs when subpoenas start flying.

The Revolving Door Swings Hard

With Democrats out and MAGA-aligned operatives coming in, the cocktail circuit is bracing for a whole new vibe – less “diversity and equity panels,” more “Make America Great Again” mixers.

For the rest of the country, this exodus should just be the fresh start the federal government desperately needs. So, to the swamp creatures making their early exit: don’t let the Capitol rotunda hit you on the way out. And many of you are lucky you aren’t leaving in handcuffs.