It’s another fine week in America where some governments can’t count ballots and others can’t keep track of monkeys. The great state of Arizona is still knee-deep in ballot “curing” (and cheating no doubt) while South Carolina officials at the Yemassee Police Department are scrambling to wrangle monkeys that escaped from a lab.
With Arizona apparently treating Election Day as a multi-week “suggestion” and South Carolina unable to contain a bunch of female primates, it’s clear our governmental systems are overwhelmed with doing their jobs.
Arizona: where elections take a holiday after election day.
With 588,223 ballots still in limbo days after Election Day, Arizona is putting on a ballot-counting masterclass… in slow motion. But don’t worry – state officials assure us that they’ve always needed two weeks to get through all those votes. Signature verification, ballot curing, and envelope inspecting are all happening at a pace that makes a tortoise look speedy.
Why the delay? It seems Arizona is trying to be “accurate,” though accuracy could stand a little more speed. Luckily, Trump won OVERWHELMINGLY throughout the country and we’re not having to wait on AZ to tell us if the country will be going into the fascist hands of cackling Kamala or not.
According to Arizona’s ballot progress page, “elections do not end on Election Day.” Really? They seem to have ended on Election Day for most everyone else. One has to wonder if we’ll be celebrating another election before the last of the ballots are counted in Arizona.
South Carolina: when It comes to monkeys, rookie mistakes rule.
Then there’s the escapade over in South Carolina. We’re talking about 43 rhesus macaque monkeys that made a break for it, thanks to a newbie worker who decided that closing doors is optional. So far, the powers-that-be have managed to capture a grand total of… one. Yes, just one monkey, who’s reportedly living the high life on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while the other 42 are still living free in the low country. And thank goodness the monkeys aren’t actually infected with anything like Ebola or Smallpox or something.
Monkey-capturing seems like a relatively easy task to me. Just get some Chick-fil-A and put the delicacies in a trap. Case closed. Or if worse comes to worse and the monkeys are not fans chicken nugget fans and waffle fries, maybe call on Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, because I’m pretty sure he’d do a better job than the yahoos in South Carolina.
Or… maybe the monkeys are just tired of the Harris-Biden inflation and looking for a job with a real paycheck. Let’s put them to work counting votes in Arizona during their “holiday” – couldn’t be any slower than what we’ve got now!