Great news everyone! Biden’s been briefed on the global IT crisis. Hallelujah! I was really sweating bullets there for a second, thinking he might not swoop in with all the precision and focus of the great POTUS we know he is.
Yes, even though our president has been banished to Delaware by his own party, and he was finally bullied into dropping out of the presidential race, he’s still running the show better than ever. And now that he’s up to speed on the worldwide IT crisis, I’m absolutely convinced our businesses and country will emerge from this crisis stronger and more resilient. Crisis averted, folks! (yes, that entire paragraph was satire).
What crisis, you ask? If you’ve been living under a rock recently (or have an Apple computer), you might have missed the technological blunder that made many PCs all over the planet totally inoperable. Apparently, the crisis was triggered by a flawed update from CrowdStrike, a cybersecurity company. This update caused widespread disruptions across the Microsoft ecosystem, leading to numerous Windows computers encountering the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD).
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The world was plunged into the dark ages with computers telling everyone “I’m on break” as a cascade of server crashes and system failures left everyone scrambling like headless chickens. It was the digital Y2K apocalypse that never came in Y2K and instead came in 2024. Clueless execs who couldn’t reboot a router if their lives depended on it had no idea what to do during the crisis as it shut down casino transactions, hospital surgeries, bank transactions, and lots more.
And in the midst of a worldwide IT meltdown, the powers that be decided it was time to brief President Joe Biden about the whole thing – in between his naps and grandeurs of delusion. It’s a scene that could be described as attempting to install Windows 95 on a Commodore 64: a complete mismatch of capabilities and expectations.
The great firewall of ignorance
I can see it now…As the briefing began, the room was filled with IT experts from various sectors – financial services, healthcare, retail, and manufacturing. These tech gurus started to spill the beans on what might have went wrong: DDoS attacks? Ransomware? A bad update? They all gave their opinions.
Biden, bless his heart, looked at them as if they were speaking in Klingon.
“Syntax error: president not found”
IT CZAR: “Mr. President, there was a global IT meltdown. Servers failed, computers failed, clouds failed…there were widespread system outages across the entire planet.”
OLD MAN BIDEN: “So, the computers all took a nap?”
IT CZAR: “More like a full-on strike, sir. Banking, healthcare, airlines, communications – all down.”
OLD MAN BIDEN: “Can’t you just plug everything back in?”
IT CZAR: “It’s more complicated than that, sir. We need to fix corrupted data and reinforce security.”
OLD MAN BIDEN: (Yelling at everyone) “Just get the internet back up – I need my cat videos!”
IT CZAR: “We’re on it, Mr. President.”
Near the end of the briefing, the IT experts were about ready to reboot themselves. They needed Biden to understand the gravity of the situation, but explaining it to him felt like trying to teach a cat to do algebra – completely pointless and ineffective. Biden didn’t have a clue about what they were talking about – but still, he was briefed, they tell us – so we can all rest comfortably.
404: solution not found.
After what felt like an eternity, the IT experts concluded their briefing. Biden, still trying to process all the “mumbo jumbo,” spoke as they exited.
“Well, folks, it sounds like we’ve got some bugs in the system. Let’s, uh, get the best and brightest to debug this thing. Get some Raid or something.”
The IT crowd nodded, not knowing whether to laugh or cry as they left. It was clear that Biden’s understanding of the crisis was about as robust as an AOL dial-up connection in a fiber-optic world. They had hoped for a firewall but ended up with a pop-up blocker.
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