Hey Michiganders, it’s time to put on your best political profile and head to the polls because today is the day to find your perfect political match in the presidential primary. Or, as it usually happens every year, you can pick the best of the bad options.
A lot like dating, eh??!
Democrat choices abound.
Democrat daters, you’ve got options that make Tinder profiles jealous: the witty Joe Biden, mysterious Dean Phillips, or the ghost of Marianne Williamson (she’s dropped out, but we’ll always remember the vibes).
And for those feeling commitment issues, there’s always the “uncommitted [1]” option – the political equivalent of saying, “I love Democrats, but also, none of the above, please.”
Word on the street is, a lot of Dems will be choosing the “uncommitted” route to send Biden a message about his support for Israel. It’s like saying, “I’m just not that into your foreign policy, Joe” – or anything else.
The anti-Biden vote.
The “Listen to Michigan” campaign is hoping for 10,000 to 20,000 swipes left on the Democratic ballot for “uncommitted.” The political influencers in Detroit and Dearborn, where there is a large Arab American population, might just have enough political savvy sway to tell Biden that he’s a terrible, awful, horrible date and they’re looking elsewhere.
Michigan Democratic Gov. Whitmer, Michigan’s political matchmaker and a co-chair in Biden’s re-election campaign, is warning Dems not to ghost Biden, saying that every not for Joe is a vote for Orange Man Bad. It’s a political love triangle, and she’s not having it.
Republican choices…
Republicans have their own ballot of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes. Chatty Trump, stealthy Ryan Binkley, delusional Nikki Haley, and some who’ve left the dating scene but are still on the ballot – the political version of staying friends after a breakup.
These losers in love include lame Asa Hutchinson, energetic Vivek Ramaswamy, southern boy Ron DeSantis and always-irrelevant Chris Christie.