As I ponder what my kids got me this Christmas, a kilo of Azerbaijani hashish and several Eastern European assault weapons, I wonder what the little scamps will ask Santa to bring me next year.
Then I think about what the jolly old elf will bring others, those both naughty and nice. Nice brings me to various cocktail waitresses I’ve “known.” Naughty, in the non-fun sense, obviously brings us to Democrats.
When Santa makes his rounds in 2023 he’ll fly over the houses of the aforementioned leftist grievance group. If he can make it past their BLM lawn signs without raining down reindeer-guided missile fire on the joints, he will be forced by North Pole contractual law to leave presents for the benighted Marxists inside. He would rather not. But contracts are contracts.
We, as honorary members of Elf Local 245, the only union we would ever belong to, feel it a moral responsibility to conceptually aid him with any early left wing gift ideas in the spirit of the traditional elf motto: Always Be Cobbling. Here’s what we came up with. They are items that Dems need badly.
1) A sense of humor: Most modern Democrats were born without this common human trait. Which is strange, as they used to be much funnier than Republicans. But somewhere along the way they decided to become pathological crybabies and that doesn’t mesh well with laughter.
So perhaps the flying elk-like Dr. Blitzen, who has his medical degree from the University of Berlin, class of 1938, can sneak down chimneys and perform some quick neurosurgery on sleeping Democrats. It’s either that or visual indoctrination therapy reminiscent of A Clockwork Orange, but with 1970s era copies of the National Lampoon.
2) The new and improved military grade N35Z9 Full Body Facemask: As Democrats base their entire life on fear (fear of the climate, fear of capitalism, fear of free speech), they naturally want protection for their primary fear of the last several years, Covid.
Forget that almost the entire scare was a scam, as leftist actions told us from the beginning. Forget that unless you were past 70 and in bad shape already the chances of Covid seriously disrupting your weekend was akin to the chances of Beto winning an election. And forget that facemask wearing is today’s prime example of virtue signaling gone amok, Democrats are still not satisfied that they are well protected against this Comet Kohoutek of pandemics.
The Chinese produced N35Z9 Full Body Facemask can change all that. Encasing the human form in 6 inches of unbreathable lead armor, this handy viral prophylactic comes in the rainbow colors of your choice and can be modified to fit the stunted build of male Democrats.
And one present for people like us:
3) The Augusto Pinochet Playaction Set: As it is the fervent dream of most Democrats to indulge in perpetual adolescent angst while simultaneously destroying economies and Constitutions, and as we enjoy throwing leftists out of helicopters, this easily assembled right wing putsch kit comes with everything needed for home-based commie hunting.
Smart and good looking family members will usher disgruntled maiden aunts and Bolshevik college sophomores into vintage Hueys at the point of very realistic bayonets. This is where and when aerial re-education will commence. It will not be quick and not be pretty. But hey, the Christmas spirit is a tad different at the business end of my new AK-47. Happy Holidays!